Ho! Ho! Ho!

I will tell you, it is nothing short of a miracle when you watch your child eat a whole piece of a food that months earlier could have killed him...and he is FINE. Nothing happens. At all. The months of slow and steady increases, pushing his little body to adapt and overcome this thing it hates so much have paid off and you are seeing the results, twice a day, every day. A week goes by and you start giving him TWO peanuts twice and day and then....nothing happens!  He is fine. He is healthy. His body is strong and getting stronger.

It's been nearly 4 months getting to this point, but it has paid off, obviously. We have many more updoses to go and a winter full of germs, viruses and bad air quality to battle, but we will get through this. He will go home and live a life of freedom. Sleepovers, potlucks, airplane travel, baseball games, a cookie at a friend's house, sitting at a regular lunch table...these things will no longer induce fear. They will be normal, average, everyday things he can actually do. He will be able to live the life of a child, without fear, for the first time because we did something hard. Something hard that in the grand scheme of life, was but a blip in time.

Some days are long and stressful, but there are moments I have had with my children here that I may never have gotten at home under the every day stressors and routine we had. I've had a chance to really SEE my kids and their personalities blossom. We have watched old movies together and cuddled on the couch with no distraction. We have had "adventures." We have made new friends together. We have learned how to live with less.

Provided this awful tummy bug my youngest has does not spread to her brother, on Christmas Eve, my son will dose with something new...his very first Peanut M&M's. If you know me, you know my kids have never had McDonald's and we tend to stay on a very clean, whole foods diet. Let me tell you, when you are parenting singularly and life is upside down, you buy some chicken nuggets once in awhile. They're organic and you serve them with sweet potato fries, but you do what you have to do to be sure your kids eat and you can retain your sanity. In this case, you're damn right I'm going to let him eat Peanut M&M's. Never in my life did I ever think it would be possible. Heck, if it had been possible, I probably wouldn't have let him because it's candy! At this point, he has come so far and been so brave...yeah, he can eat them. We won't dose with them every day but I think this is a treat he has more than earned.

So, on that note, it's going to be a very Merry Christmas for us and we wish a very Merry Christmas to you all who have followed our journey (and at times, my ranting). We are so thankful for all the support we have had in the form of surprise packages, gift cards, phone calls, text, Facebook messages...it means the world to us.

xoxoxo

Amy

Ho! Ho! Ho!

I will tell you, it is nothing short of a miracle when you watch your child eat a whole piece of a food that months earlier could have killed him...and he is FINE. Nothing happens. At all. The months of slow and steady increases, pushing his little body to adapt and overcome this thing it hates so much have paid off and you are seeing the results, twice a day, every day. A week goes by and you start giving him TWO peanuts twice and day and then....nothing happens!  He is fine. He is healthy. His body is strong and getting stronger.

It's been nearly 4 months getting to this point, but it has paid off, obviously. We have many more updoses to go and a winter full of germs, viruses and bad air quality to battle, but we will get through this. He will go home and live a life of freedom. Sleepovers, potlucks, airplane travel, baseball games, a cookie at a friend's house, sitting at a regular lunch table...these things will no longer induce fear. They will be normal, average, everyday things he can actually do. He will be able to live the life of a child, without fear, for the first time because we did something hard. Something hard that in the grand scheme of life, was but a blip in time.

Some days are long and stressful, but there are moments I have had with my children here that I may never have gotten at home under the every day stressors and routine we had. I've had a chance to really SEE my kids and their personalities blossom. We have watched old movies together and cuddled on the couch with no distraction. We have had "adventures." We have made new friends together. We have learned how to live with less.

Provided this awful tummy bug my youngest has does not spread to her brother, on Christmas Eve, my son will dose with something new...his very first Peanut M&M's. If you know me, you know my kids have never had McDonald's and we tend to stay on a very clean, whole foods diet. Let me tell you, when you are parenting singularly and life is upside down, you buy some chicken nuggets once in awhile. They're organic and you serve them with sweet potato fries, but you do what you have to do to be sure your kids eat and you can retain your sanity. In this case, you're damn right I'm going to let him eat Peanut M&M's. Never in my life did I ever think it would be possible. Heck, if it had been possible, I probably wouldn't have let him because it's candy! At this point, he has come so far and been so brave...yeah, he can eat them. We won't dose with them every day but I think this is a treat he has more than earned.

So, on that note, it's going to be a very Merry Christmas for us and we wish a very Merry Christmas to you all who have followed our journey (and at times, my ranting). We are so thankful for all the support we have had in the form of surprise packages, gift cards, phone calls, text, Facebook messages...it means the world to us.

xoxoxo

Amy

100 Days of OIT

It's been 100 days since my son took his first peanut solution. 100 days of purposefully giving him his allergen under a doctor's carefully researched protocol in order to build his body's tolerance. There have been a few bumps along the way, but nothing has derailed us. In fact, the bumps serve as reminders why we are on the road to begin with and we begin to focus steadfastly on the destination ahead. Mostly.

I have written and deleted this 100 Days post three times now. Each time it said something entirely different. There is so much I want to convey but it's all emotional and not at all informational about the process. I should tell you how we are at 85% of a peanut and how, thank goodness, he loves the flavor. How I smell his breath like a weirdo because it's surreal that my contact allergic child smells like his allergen. I now share with him how tasty Reece's Peanut Butter Cups are instead of continuing to lie because I know he will be able to eat one some day. Even though I don't approve of the sugar content or ingredients, I'll give it to him anyway just to watch his face light up and because I never before thought it possible.

I should write a whole post about how crazy this last month has been, with Thanksgiving and my husband visiting, red ears, upset tummies, great days, homesick days, how hard it is to house hunt long distance, but my mind always reverts back to the moment I thought we would get set back in this treatment and I totally lost it. In the middle of a million good things, I latched on to the negative and spiraled out of control. Even now, I'm elated at our progress and I'm thinking back and beating myself up about those few hours where I wallowed in self pity. I should own up to my defects and move on, but it's easier to be mad at myself for my obvious character flaw.

This time of healing my son's body has also become a period self reflection. Thinking on how since his diagnosis he and I have fallen down a rabbit hole that he is emerging from and that I still catch myself putting on the brakes when someone is trying to lift me up out of it. I've been protecting him for so long, I've put off self care. I have spent thousands on doctors to help me feel like I should, like I used to, but I can see now what it's really about. As I watch his confidence grow, it reminds me of when he became so withdrawn...and I know that is when I stopped eating, sleeping and exercising and being mindful of my limitations. It's when I decided only I could do things in order to get them done correctly and safely. And then, at some point, Pinterest came on the scene and my do-it-yourself perfection neurosis finished me off.

Now I'm feeling self conscious because this post became about me. This isn't just about me. It isn't just about my son or the stupid peanut or OIT. It's about how all-consuming a life threatening food allergy can be for an entire family. No one goes untouched. Even the family dog was gently informed that he is allergic to peanuts and would not be consuming them.

While it may seem life changing to move to another state to seek treatment for our son, our lives were already changed. We are trying to recapture normalcy. I look forward to the day I grab food off the shelf at a grocery store and don't scan the back label and call the company before making a purchase. I can't wait to say no to the Costco sample because it's filled with high fructose corn syrup instead of explaining to the vendor that despite the item not containing peanuts, the label clearly states it was produced in a facility with them and that makes it dangerous to us.

All of this will happen. It will happen soon. We are halfway to our brand new, normal life.

100 Days of OIT

It's been 100 days since my son took his first peanut solution. 100 days of purposefully giving him his allergen under a doctor's carefully researched protocol in order to build his body's tolerance. There have been a few bumps along the way, but nothing has derailed us. In fact, the bumps serve as reminders why we are on the road to begin with and we begin to focus steadfastly on the destination ahead. Mostly.

I have written and deleted this 100 Days post three times now. Each time it said something entirely different. There is so much I want to convey but it's all emotional and not at all informational about the process. I should tell you how we are at 85% of a peanut and how, thank goodness, he loves the flavor. How I smell his breath like a weirdo because it's surreal that my contact allergic child smells like his allergen. I now share with him how tasty Reece's Peanut Butter Cups are instead of continuing to lie because I know he will be able to eat one some day. Even though I don't approve of the sugar content or ingredients, I'll give it to him anyway just to watch his face light up and because I never before thought it possible.

I should write a whole post about how crazy this last month has been, with Thanksgiving and my husband visiting, red ears, upset tummies, great days, homesick days, how hard it is to house hunt long distance, but my mind always reverts back to the moment I thought we would get set back in this treatment and I totally lost it. In the middle of a million good things, I latched on to the negative and spiraled out of control. Even now, I'm elated at our progress and I'm thinking back and beating myself up about those few hours where I wallowed in self pity. I should own up to my defects and move on, but it's easier to be mad at myself for my obvious character flaw.

This time of healing my son's body has also become a period self reflection. Thinking on how since his diagnosis he and I have fallen down a rabbit hole that he is emerging from and that I still catch myself putting on the brakes when someone is trying to lift me up out of it. I've been protecting him for so long, I've put off self care. I have spent thousands on doctors to help me feel like I should, like I used to, but I can see now what it's really about. As I watch his confidence grow, it reminds me of when he became so withdrawn...and I know that is when I stopped eating, sleeping and exercising and being mindful of my limitations. It's when I decided only I could do things in order to get them done correctly and safely. And then, at some point, Pinterest came on the scene and my do-it-yourself perfection neurosis finished me off.

Now I'm feeling self conscious because this post became about me. This isn't just about me. It isn't just about my son or the stupid peanut or OIT. It's about how all-consuming a life threatening food allergy can be for an entire family. No one goes untouched. Even the family dog was gently informed that he is allergic to peanuts and would not be consuming them.

While it may seem life changing to move to another state to seek treatment for our son, our lives were already changed. We are trying to recapture normalcy. I look forward to the day I grab food off the shelf at a grocery store and don't scan the back label and call the company before making a purchase. I can't wait to say no to the Costco sample because it's filled with high fructose corn syrup instead of explaining to the vendor that despite the item not containing peanuts, the label clearly states it was produced in a facility with them and that makes it dangerous to us.

All of this will happen. It will happen soon. We are halfway to our brand new, normal life.

Afraid to Speak

I'm afraid to talk about how well it's going because it might change. I'm afraid to think about what happens when we are done and we have no home waiting for us in Arizona. I'm afraid to tell everyone the changes in my family and in myself since we got here, lest they think we might abandon them back home in favor of staying in Utah.

A side effect of OIT for my son has been increased self confidence, becoming more social and lessened anxiety. My heart has leapt with joy over watching him acclimate to his surroundings more times than I care to admit because...those things didn't happen at home. They didn't happen in Arizona and he knows it. He begs every day not to go back. He says his friends will visit him and that will be fine.

I try not to think too hard about friendships that didn't cross the distance with us. I try to hang on to the dear friends who still text, call and send us goodies in the mail. I hope the others will at least resume to normalcy when we return and I remind myself that 9 times out of10, it's just not about me.

I'd be lying to say our family didn't need a shake up...something revolutionary that goes beyond just this treatment. We knew from the beginning that we would not come out on the other side of this the same. It's a good thing.

Image courtesy of Shellyart at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

At the end of the day, this is us, stripped bare. No brand new house in perfect suburbia. No pretenses. No one to impress. No shuttling kids from class to activity. This is just simply a family of four, loving one another day in and day out, being thankful for each other while trying to maintain our sanity. Lord knows, even in the best of times, 24/7 with those littles I birthed and love with my entire soul, is intense. Add to that, a part of us 700 miles away. We don't have time for the frivolous and unnecessary. Life is totally simple and completely complicated right now.

Afraid to Speak

I'm afraid to talk about how well it's going because it might change. I'm afraid to think about what happens when we are done and we have no home waiting for us in Arizona. I'm afraid to tell everyone the changes in my family and in myself since we got here, lest they think we might abandon them back home in favor of staying in Utah.

A side effect of OIT for my son has been increased self confidence, becoming more social and lessened anxiety. My heart has leapt with joy over watching him acclimate to his surroundings more times than I care to admit because...those things didn't happen at home. They didn't happen in Arizona and he knows it. He begs every day not to go back. He says his friends will visit him and that will be fine.

I try not to think too hard about friendships that didn't cross the distance with us. I try to hang on to the dear friends who still text, call and send us goodies in the mail. I hope the others will at least resume to normalcy when we return and I remind myself that 9 times out of10, it's just not about me.

I'd be lying to say our family didn't need a shake up...something revolutionary that goes beyond just this treatment. We knew from the beginning that we would not come out on the other side of this the same. It's a good thing.

Image courtesy of Shellyart at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

At the end of the day, this is us, stripped bare. No brand new house in perfect suburbia. No pretenses. No one to impress. No shuttling kids from class to activity. This is just simply a family of four, loving one another day in and day out, being thankful for each other while trying to maintain our sanity. Lord knows, even in the best of times, 24/7 with those littles I birthed and love with my entire soul, is intense. Add to that, a part of us 700 miles away. We don't have time for the frivolous and unnecessary. Life is totally simple and completely complicated right now.

Be My Guest

After having been here for a month, my husband came for a weekend visit and that visit was followed up within days by my parents. We explored Park City together and they gave me a little reprieve from being the sole care provider for a few hours. When it came time to go, my parents decided my mom would stay on another two weeks. It was great having another adult around! We pushed updosing back by one day when my son wasn't feeling quite well, but other than that, we have plodded along (thankfully!) without major event. Our time has been filled with pumpkin painting, pumpkin patch visiting, homeschool, and trips to the library.

My mom left last week and at the start of this week, I started to feel sick...again. I am not one to get sick more than once a year, so feeling run down twice in two months was really disheartening. In a desperate plea for help, I texted my husband that we couldn't wait two more weeks until his next scheduled visit. The next day (I was feeling better, but shhhh, don't tell him), he got in his truck and drove 12 hours to be with us. It was a total surprise for the kids. Best of all, we are together and he got to watch our son hit a milestone in OIT.

Today, we watched our son graduate from liquid solution on to peanut flour. We are at 50mg, which is 20% of a peanut. It looked like an awful lot of peanut flowing out of that capsule into a cup of applesauce...I felt a little panic, to be honest. Other than not liking the flavor (we have since switched to mixing into yogurt with better results), the dosing went perfectly. Peanut flour will take us about 5 weeks, barring reactions or illness, and then.....he eats a PEANUT! Even though we have been geared toward the finish line since the beginning, it's still surreal.

The fact that you can built someone up to be immune to poison is not a new idea, but it's certainly not commonplace. Yet. I write about OIT and tell everyone I meet exactly why we are living in Utah because I hope the fear will eventually dispel and people will realize that doctor-supervised OIT does not kill, but "avoidance" certainly has. Many, many times little lives have been lost while trying to avoid their allergen. It is not a risk I am willing to take. I would rather watch my son after carefully measured doses, increasing at slow intervals, under the care of a doctor so that he can live the rest of his life without fear.

It's my choice to increase my anxiety for the next six months so that when we return home, I don't clench my phone with white knuckles the entire time he is at school. So that when he asks to go to a friend's house, I can let him go without hovering around him. I make this choice now so that I can finally say "Yes!" when he asks for a hot chocolate or a cake pop from Starbucks or eat that cookie the nice person at the bakery tries to hand him. I want to be able to say no to those things because of the sugar...not because it could be the last bite he ever takes. I'm looking forward to that day just as much as he is.

I truly believe you have to get to the mindset where it is scarier to live without trying than it is to dive in (under the careful advice and care of a board-certified allergist, of course). There are parents who will never get there and I get it. I really do. That is the beauty of parenting your own children...you get to decide what is best for your family. I don't judge people who choose not to try a treatment plan just as they shouldn't judge me for doing what I feel is best for us.

Be My Guest

After having been here for a month, my husband came for a weekend visit and that visit was followed up within days by my parents. We explored Park City together and they gave me a little reprieve from being the sole care provider for a few hours. When it came time to go, my parents decided my mom would stay on another two weeks. It was great having another adult around! We pushed updosing back by one day when my son wasn't feeling quite well, but other than that, we have plodded along (thankfully!) without major event. Our time has been filled with pumpkin painting, pumpkin patch visiting, homeschool, and trips to the library.

My mom left last week and at the start of this week, I started to feel sick...again. I am not one to get sick more than once a year, so feeling run down twice in two months was really disheartening. In a desperate plea for help, I texted my husband that we couldn't wait two more weeks until his next scheduled visit. The next day (I was feeling better, but shhhh, don't tell him), he got in his truck and drove 12 hours to be with us. It was a total surprise for the kids. Best of all, we are together and he got to watch our son hit a milestone in OIT.

Today, we watched our son graduate from liquid solution on to peanut flour. We are at 50mg, which is 20% of a peanut. It looked like an awful lot of peanut flowing out of that capsule into a cup of applesauce...I felt a little panic, to be honest. Other than not liking the flavor (we have since switched to mixing into yogurt with better results), the dosing went perfectly. Peanut flour will take us about 5 weeks, barring reactions or illness, and then.....he eats a PEANUT! Even though we have been geared toward the finish line since the beginning, it's still surreal.

The fact that you can built someone up to be immune to poison is not a new idea, but it's certainly not commonplace. Yet. I write about OIT and tell everyone I meet exactly why we are living in Utah because I hope the fear will eventually dispel and people will realize that doctor-supervised OIT does not kill, but "avoidance" certainly has. Many, many times little lives have been lost while trying to avoid their allergen. It is not a risk I am willing to take. I would rather watch my son after carefully measured doses, increasing at slow intervals, under the care of a doctor so that he can live the rest of his life without fear.

It's my choice to increase my anxiety for the next six months so that when we return home, I don't clench my phone with white knuckles the entire time he is at school. So that when he asks to go to a friend's house, I can let him go without hovering around him. I make this choice now so that I can finally say "Yes!" when he asks for a hot chocolate or a cake pop from Starbucks or eat that cookie the nice person at the bakery tries to hand him. I want to be able to say no to those things because of the sugar...not because it could be the last bite he ever takes. I'm looking forward to that day just as much as he is.

I truly believe you have to get to the mindset where it is scarier to live without trying than it is to dive in (under the careful advice and care of a board-certified allergist, of course). There are parents who will never get there and I get it. I really do. That is the beauty of parenting your own children...you get to decide what is best for your family. I don't judge people who choose not to try a treatment plan just as they shouldn't judge me for doing what I feel is best for us.

Apparently Breathing is Essential

It's amazing how much one person can hold their breath. Even more so that they have no idea they are doing it until breathing resumes. I first noticed I was a breath holder when my son completed his first day of OIT. Today, I experienced it again. I decided that since her brother would be eating peanuts, I needed to know for certain if my three-year-old had any tree nut or peanut allergies.

Let me just say, my daughter is a tank. She is the healthiest kid I've ever met. The joke is that she licks a stair rail and my son gets sick. I wish it was far fetched, but it's ridiculously close to truth. The very first time she got sick and began vomiting, I was taken aback. She was about two years old and rather than being lethargic and whiney, she was smiling and chatty between vomiting sessions. Eventually, she fell into a deep sleep for a couple of hours and woke up demanding food and ready to dance. This is a far cry from my son's man-colds.

As we walked into the allergist's office today, my littlest cutie was quite happy to finally have an appointment to herself. She is a natural extrovert and has not liked her brother being the focus. Today she got her wish. She easily hopped onto the scale and climbed up on the exam room table. She smiled and giggled and sang songs. This morning she told me that if she did have a peanut allergy, she would just take a "dose" like her brother. She was absolutely charming and I was hopeful.

We decided to test her for all nuts, peanuts and dairy. One little "Ouch!" and her back had been scratched with minute amounts of the test proteins. The nurse left the room and we put on "Everything is Awesome!" and danced it out. Minute two, one little red spot and the rest of her back was clear. By minute 7, a cluster of hives appeared and my heart sank. When two nurses returned at ten minutes, I was swallowing hard and trying to wrap my head around a life of having two kids with food allergies.

"There are some hives," I pouted. "Oh, it's the histamine control!" said a nurse. DOH! How could I forget??? Slow exhale. The rest of her back looked exactly as it had before the test. Not a red mark, not a scratch, nothing. The complete opposite of her brother...again. I've never been more grateful.

Breathe. In and out. Joy. Elation. Relief. Sweet relief. One child spared. One less thing to worry about.

Our doctor came back in to deliver the amazing news that she tested negative for everything. I'm sure it's not news he gets to give often. We decided she eat her first peanut alongside her brother once he reaches that point in OIT.

It's Friday. It's my 10th wedding anniversary. My son is safer today than yesterday. My daughter has no food allergies. Today is a great day!

Apparently Breathing is Essential

It's amazing how much one person can hold their breath. Even more so that they have no idea they are doing it until breathing resumes. I first noticed I was a breath holder when my son completed his first day of OIT. Today, I experienced it again. I decided that since her brother would be eating peanuts, I needed to know for certain if my three-year-old had any tree nut or peanut allergies.

Let me just say, my daughter is a tank. She is the healthiest kid I've ever met. The joke is that she licks a stair rail and my son gets sick. I wish it was far fetched, but it's ridiculously close to truth. The very first time she got sick and began vomiting, I was taken aback. She was about two years old and rather than being lethargic and whiney, she was smiling and chatty between vomiting sessions. Eventually, she fell into a deep sleep for a couple of hours and woke up demanding food and ready to dance. This is a far cry from my son's man-colds.

As we walked into the allergist's office today, my littlest cutie was quite happy to finally have an appointment to herself. She is a natural extrovert and has not liked her brother being the focus. Today she got her wish. She easily hopped onto the scale and climbed up on the exam room table. She smiled and giggled and sang songs. This morning she told me that if she did have a peanut allergy, she would just take a "dose" like her brother. She was absolutely charming and I was hopeful.

We decided to test her for all nuts, peanuts and dairy. One little "Ouch!" and her back had been scratched with minute amounts of the test proteins. The nurse left the room and we put on "Everything is Awesome!" and danced it out. Minute two, one little red spot and the rest of her back was clear. By minute 7, a cluster of hives appeared and my heart sank. When two nurses returned at ten minutes, I was swallowing hard and trying to wrap my head around a life of having two kids with food allergies.

"There are some hives," I pouted. "Oh, it's the histamine control!" said a nurse. DOH! How could I forget??? Slow exhale. The rest of her back looked exactly as it had before the test. Not a red mark, not a scratch, nothing. The complete opposite of her brother...again. I've never been more grateful.

Breathe. In and out. Joy. Elation. Relief. Sweet relief. One child spared. One less thing to worry about.

Our doctor came back in to deliver the amazing news that she tested negative for everything. I'm sure it's not news he gets to give often. We decided she eat her first peanut alongside her brother once he reaches that point in OIT.

It's Friday. It's my 10th wedding anniversary. My son is safer today than yesterday. My daughter has no food allergies. Today is a great day!

Coasting

What do you do when everything is going smoothly? You relax, but stay aware. You revel in your peacefulness while knowing it can change and even if it does, it really will be ok. Tomorrow, my husband visits for three days. It will be the first time we have seen him since August and we won't see him again until mid-November. While he has been away working, we carry on with our new normal. 

We wake up at some God-awful hour after I inevitably go to bed too late. The kids eat cereal while I make some coffee for myself and eggs for them. On perfect days, we start school in the morning.  Most days, we start after lunch. My daughter is in preschool and dance because she is having the hardest time missing out on the social aspect of being home. My son is happy to have mommy time when she is off at her activities.   

My idea of what I need in life has changed. An apartment is not ideal, but I have learned that a smaller place is easier to keep clean. Less stuff means not having to constantly pick up. My kids have been satisfied with legos, books and their iPads and don't miss the toys we didn't bring and don't pull out most of the toys we did bring. We keep the television off most of the time. 

Other OIT families have welcomed us with open arms. Even when someone says something is safe and I can trust that it is, no one bats an eye when I read the label anyway. My ways that were considered "helicopter mom" in Arizona are completely understood here. They know it isn't about being overprotective about mundane things, it's about being hyper-vigilant because the allergy has forced me to accept this role. We compare emergency medicine storage. We talk about reactions our kids have had. We talk about the hope we feel for our children's future after OIT and how grateful we are that Dr. Jones couldn't just ignore that this treatment exists. How, not only does he offer it, but he is constantly making it better and is totally available for all our sometimes neurotic calls and texts. I walked straight into a group we call our OIT family. We would all choose not to have to be here if we could, that our kids were never saddled with life-threatening food allergies, but since that is what we were dealt, we get through it together. 

One month has flown by. At best, we are back home in another five. Any way you look at it, our time here will have forever changed us as a family. We will leave Utah stronger and safer.

Coasting

What do you do when everything is going smoothly? You relax, but stay aware. You revel in your peacefulness while knowing it can change and even if it does, it really will be ok. Tomorrow, my husband visits for three days. It will be the first time we have seen him since August and we won't see him again until mid-November. While he has been away working, we carry on with our new normal. 

We wake up at some God-awful hour after I inevitably go to bed too late. The kids eat cereal while I make some coffee for myself and eggs for them. On perfect days, we start school in the morning.  Most days, we start after lunch. My daughter is in preschool and dance because she is having the hardest time missing out on the social aspect of being home. My son is happy to have mommy time when she is off at her activities.   

My idea of what I need in life has changed. An apartment is not ideal, but I have learned that a smaller place is easier to keep clean. Less stuff means not having to constantly pick up. My kids have been satisfied with legos, books and their iPads and don't miss the toys we didn't bring and don't pull out most of the toys we did bring. We keep the television off most of the time. 

Other OIT families have welcomed us with open arms. Even when someone says something is safe and I can trust that it is, no one bats an eye when I read the label anyway. My ways that were considered "helicopter mom" in Arizona are completely understood here. They know it isn't about being overprotective about mundane things, it's about being hyper-vigilant because the allergy has forced me to accept this role. We compare emergency medicine storage. We talk about reactions our kids have had. We talk about the hope we feel for our children's future after OIT and how grateful we are that Dr. Jones couldn't just ignore that this treatment exists. How, not only does he offer it, but he is constantly making it better and is totally available for all our sometimes neurotic calls and texts. I walked straight into a group we call our OIT family. We would all choose not to have to be here if we could, that our kids were never saddled with life-threatening food allergies, but since that is what we were dealt, we get through it together. 

One month has flown by. At best, we are back home in another five. Any way you look at it, our time here will have forever changed us as a family. We will leave Utah stronger and safer.

Mindf**k

Some days, this whole deal is one giant game, messing with my head. With the exception of our first real reaction, which ended up being a positive, and one trip to the grocery store, this week was pretty awesome. It was the kind of week I had expected, unlike the week prior where we were all sick. Last night, in fact, I did something rare. I went out. I trusted a babysitter with my kids (by "trusted" I mean that she was someone used by a friend of mine whose children also have food allergies and I spent the entire night texting the sitter, to the point where she began copy and pasting, "yep, they're doing great.") and went out for a friend's birthday. Until 2:30 am.  Truly, I am too old for that, evidenced by my all day recovery process. I took it easy, mostly just exhausted since we were up by 6:30, and the kids and I walked across the street to an outdoor mall where they played on the playground, then we went to lunch and did a little shopping. In total, we spent 4 hours walking around outside on a beautiful day. Today was perfect.

I really can't explain what happened next.  My thought process was to take a nice, relaxing bath and go to bed early. In reality, I sobbed in the tub to three songs on repeat.  (Home by Philip Phillips, All of Me by John Legend and A Life That's Good by the cast of Nashville, in case you are curious.) As much as I told myself I would not feel guilty about a night out, I think I did. Not for my kids' sake, but for my husband's. He has had his world tilted upside down with his family gone, and since our house sold, he's temporarily living with his mom. After moving more times than I can count, I can truthfully say it is easier to leave than to be the one left behind. I feel for him.

Tuesday will be three weeks since my husband left and went back to Arizona. In October, we will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary and in all that time, until three weeks ago, we had only spent three nights apart. This is a big change for us now and when I return home with the kids, there will be change again as we look for a new home. Add to that running two businesses, one of which is new and still trying to get off the group, while supporting a family he doesn't even see.

We all have a role to play in this OIT journey and his is tough, too, even if he isn't the one physically here and dealing with the day-to-day.  I cried tonight because I miss him. I cried because he wants to be here and can't.

Every tear, I would cry one hundred times over to get our son to a point where he can live without fear of coming into contact with a common food that could kill him. I am grateful and say a prayer of thanks every single night that we have this opportunity to make my son's life safer.

I'm even thankful for his first reaction.

You already know I'm crazy, so just hear me out on this... 15 minutes after his night dose, his third since we doubled it on Monday, he began clearing his throat and sighing deeply. A couple of little hives popped up on his face. I texted Dr. Jones and let him know and he immediately responded that if anything else happened, to call him right away. I gave my son cold apple juice which seemed to help his throat and within an hour, all symptoms were gone without any action from me. I let him go to sleep and advised the doctor all was well.  None of his doses after that yielded such excitement, but that is when it hit me: we are at roughly 1/200 of a peanut. My kid is SUPER allergic.  His body hated it, but overcame. Every day we are doing this, he is SAFER.

All things considered, I wouldn't change a thing. Some days are going to be awesome, like today and all the days this week, and some days are going to be so hard I want to quit. But I won't quit. There's a sweet six year old depending on me to make this happen for him. He wants a peanut party when he gets home and I'll be damned, he's earned it. We all have.



*Sorry for going back to language there in the title, but my f**k posts seem to do 200% better than the others. Go figure.  :)

Mindf**k

Some days, this whole deal is one giant game, messing with my head. With the exception of our first real reaction, which ended up being a positive, and one trip to the grocery store, this week was pretty awesome. It was the kind of week I had expected, unlike the week prior where we were all sick. Last night, in fact, I did something rare. I went out. I trusted a babysitter with my kids (by "trusted" I mean that she was someone used by a friend of mine whose children also have food allergies and I spent the entire night texting the sitter, to the point where she began copy and pasting, "yep, they're doing great.") and went out for a friend's birthday. Until 2:30 am.  Truly, I am too old for that, evidenced by my all day recovery process. I took it easy, mostly just exhausted since we were up by 6:30, and the kids and I walked across the street to an outdoor mall where they played on the playground, then we went to lunch and did a little shopping. In total, we spent 4 hours walking around outside on a beautiful day. Today was perfect.

I really can't explain what happened next.  My thought process was to take a nice, relaxing bath and go to bed early. In reality, I sobbed in the tub to three songs on repeat.  (Home by Philip Phillips, All of Me by John Legend and A Life That's Good by the cast of Nashville, in case you are curious.) As much as I told myself I would not feel guilty about a night out, I think I did. Not for my kids' sake, but for my husband's. He has had his world tilted upside down with his family gone, and since our house sold, he's temporarily living with his mom. After moving more times than I can count, I can truthfully say it is easier to leave than to be the one left behind. I feel for him.

Tuesday will be three weeks since my husband left and went back to Arizona. In October, we will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary and in all that time, until three weeks ago, we had only spent three nights apart. This is a big change for us now and when I return home with the kids, there will be change again as we look for a new home. Add to that running two businesses, one of which is new and still trying to get off the group, while supporting a family he doesn't even see.

We all have a role to play in this OIT journey and his is tough, too, even if he isn't the one physically here and dealing with the day-to-day.  I cried tonight because I miss him. I cried because he wants to be here and can't.

Every tear, I would cry one hundred times over to get our son to a point where he can live without fear of coming into contact with a common food that could kill him. I am grateful and say a prayer of thanks every single night that we have this opportunity to make my son's life safer.

I'm even thankful for his first reaction.

You already know I'm crazy, so just hear me out on this... 15 minutes after his night dose, his third since we doubled it on Monday, he began clearing his throat and sighing deeply. A couple of little hives popped up on his face. I texted Dr. Jones and let him know and he immediately responded that if anything else happened, to call him right away. I gave my son cold apple juice which seemed to help his throat and within an hour, all symptoms were gone without any action from me. I let him go to sleep and advised the doctor all was well.  None of his doses after that yielded such excitement, but that is when it hit me: we are at roughly 1/200 of a peanut. My kid is SUPER allergic.  His body hated it, but overcame. Every day we are doing this, he is SAFER.

All things considered, I wouldn't change a thing. Some days are going to be awesome, like today and all the days this week, and some days are going to be so hard I want to quit. But I won't quit. There's a sweet six year old depending on me to make this happen for him. He wants a peanut party when he gets home and I'll be damned, he's earned it. We all have.



*Sorry for going back to language there in the title, but my f**k posts seem to do 200% better than the others. Go figure.  :)

How Much is Too Much?

One side effect of OIT is too much electronics. Our doctor joked last week that this treatment took so long to come out because it was waiting on the technology of iPads to be invented.  A quick look around the treatment room reveals kids playing Minecraft and Angry Birds, fixated on tiny screens. 

Thirty minutes prior to their allergen dosing and for two hours after, it is considered rest time. Getting a 6-year-old to sit still for that amount of time is hard, but made much easier with the iPad, which is why I specifically bought him a 1st Gen resale device for $100.  The problem is, his entire focus in his waking hours is getting on that damn iPad or Wii or TV.  I have devised rules, like 20 minutes of educational games and then 20 minutes of Minecraft and then it gets shut off. Still, every two minutes he is requesting to watch TV or play his iPad.  

Can't even look up for a photo.

I'm tempted to remove all electronic devices from the house, but then, who am I kidding? I'm parenting alone right now and I need the quiet once in awhile.  I also need a surefire way to keep him calm after dosing.  For my own sanity, I cannot completely eliminate electronics, but I obviously need to set some parameters. 

What do you do to regulate your child's screen time?  Leave me a comment, I want to know.  

How Much is Too Much?

One side effect of OIT is too much electronics. Our doctor joked last week that this treatment took so long to come out because it was waiting on the technology of iPads to be invented.  A quick look around the treatment room reveals kids playing Minecraft and Angry Birds, fixated on tiny screens. 

Thirty minutes prior to their allergen dosing and for two hours after, it is considered rest time. Getting a 6-year-old to sit still for that amount of time is hard, but made much easier with the iPad, which is why I specifically bought him a 1st Gen resale device for $100.  The problem is, his entire focus in his waking hours is getting on that damn iPad or Wii or TV.  I have devised rules, like 20 minutes of educational games and then 20 minutes of Minecraft and then it gets shut off. Still, every two minutes he is requesting to watch TV or play his iPad.  

Can't even look up for a photo.

I'm tempted to remove all electronic devices from the house, but then, who am I kidding? I'm parenting alone right now and I need the quiet once in awhile.  I also need a surefire way to keep him calm after dosing.  For my own sanity, I cannot completely eliminate electronics, but I obviously need to set some parameters. 

What do you do to regulate your child's screen time?  Leave me a comment, I want to know.  

I Can Take A Hint, Utah

Utah hates us. I actually really like it here, so this makes me sad.  First, we found out the reason my son gets a blotchy red face, itchy eyes and a runny nose when we visit our friends here is because they happen to primarily grow the ONLY DANG GRASS TO WHICH HE IS ALLERGIC. That's right. So day 1 we had to start him on medicine for seasonal allergies. Everyone assures me he will be fine one the grass dies....you know, when it's too cold to keep things alive.  TOO COLD TO KEEP THINGS ALIVE. *deep breath*

So now, a week after my husband left us to go back to work, we are all sick. Since my 3 year old licks the rail going up to our second floor apartment, getting sick normally wouldn't be a shock, but this very activity is one of many that probably contributes to her ironclad immune system. We call her "the tank."  Apparently her luck ran out and when she got a whopper of a snotty nose, my son soon followed.  She is, of course, already feeling better and bouncing around. I, on the other hand, get sick once every other year (outside my migraines) and have been 34 different temperatures today and embarrassed myself by laying my face on the cool granite counter at the doctor's office because it felt soooooo good.

I had some serious mixed feelings about our doctor today as I wanted to hate him for making me get out of my pajamas and drive to his office, plus go to Target and fill a prescription while every part of my body ached (I even picked up a fever reducer for myself, which tells you how dire shape I am in at the moment).  The other part, the part that won, was thankful that he didn't want to take any chances of me dosing my son with his poison (peanut) without knowing how badly he was sick. Fortunately, it's just a cold and we should be fine with some extra precaution.

This is not the first time I have had to contact the doctor outside our regularly scheduled appointments. Sunday morning (I felt horrible interrupting his Sunday) I texted to let him know my son had experienced an upset stomach and sore throat for two morning doses. Within 5 minutes there were followup questions and a slight adjustment in timing, and we were back in the game. This is precisely why we chose this doctor.  He's available to his patients, he's reliable and he's knowledgeable.

I have been vague with names on this blog, mostly to protect my children, even though most of you reading this know us personally, but also about our doctor's identity. I wasn't so sure he wanted to be associated publicly with me, since I tend to use some colorful language.  I must say, I've done a pretty damn good job lately, though, of keeping it clean. Our allergist in Utah is Dr. Douglas Jones with Rocky Mountain Allergy and Asthma. Even though moving 650 miles from my husband, parents and friends isn't the easiest thing in the world, I would have chosen to move to be under the care of this doctor even if someone in Arizona magically began doing OIT because I have faith in this guy. He is offering this program so that my son and I, and all the allergy families, can have a life - not be held hostage by a food allergy. He is not in it for the accolades or praise, though I hope he takes a great deal of pride in what he does for all of us.

We have more prescriptions on hand right now than we have filled in all of my son's six years combined, but I have trust in Dr. Jones who has gotten so many patients through this process. Honestly, I would rather medicate a little than stress daily about an accidental peanut exposure.  It's my son's life at stake and my job is to keep him safe. Every day we dose him without reaction, he is that much safer than the day before.

Our first day of actual treatment was last Thursday. On that first day, they pushed my son's little body by dosing every 15 minutes. By the end of the day, he made it to his goal! So that is the dose he is on twice a day until his next appointment, a week later. (This will actually get pushed back a few days until his cold is gone). He is a brave boy, who took it like a champ! Our biggest obstacle now is that they mix the dose in Kool-Aid which is HFCS and food dye, two things he never consumes, and therefore, he is a bit crazed.  Also, getting used to our new normal has taken time - dose 9 to 15 hours apart, low activity 30 minutes prior and two hours after, no sleeping for one hour after dosing.  It's easy when we are home, but when we go out with friends for dinner (thank goodness for other families here in Utah in the same boat! We have dosing buddies!) I have to really plan out carefully.  I'm sure in a few weeks it will all be natural and I won't have to remind him to calm down after his dose so many times.

Despite Utah seeming to have it in for us (why do I get the feeling it will be a particularly snowy winter now?), we have enjoyed our time here and are looking forward to Fall quite a bit.  We can't wait to explore the area more once we are feeling better.  The mountains all around us are glorious and the rain our first week was welcome after how hot and dry we were in Arizona. The Target stores and Starbucks are hit or miss, but really...you can't have everything.

I Can Take A Hint, Utah

Utah hates us. I actually really like it here, so this makes me sad.  First, we found out the reason my son gets a blotchy red face, itchy eyes and a runny nose when we visit our friends here is because they happen to primarily grow the ONLY DANG GRASS TO WHICH HE IS ALLERGIC. That's right. So day 1 we had to start him on medicine for seasonal allergies. Everyone assures me he will be fine one the grass dies....you know, when it's too cold to keep things alive.  TOO COLD TO KEEP THINGS ALIVE. *deep breath*

So now, a week after my husband left us to go back to work, we are all sick. Since my 3 year old licks the rail going up to our second floor apartment, getting sick normally wouldn't be a shock, but this very activity is one of many that probably contributes to her ironclad immune system. We call her "the tank."  Apparently her luck ran out and when she got a whopper of a snotty nose, my son soon followed.  She is, of course, already feeling better and bouncing around. I, on the other hand, get sick once every other year (outside my migraines) and have been 34 different temperatures today and embarrassed myself by laying my face on the cool granite counter at the doctor's office because it felt soooooo good.

I had some serious mixed feelings about our doctor today as I wanted to hate him for making me get out of my pajamas and drive to his office, plus go to Target and fill a prescription while every part of my body ached (I even picked up a fever reducer for myself, which tells you how dire shape I am in at the moment).  The other part, the part that won, was thankful that he didn't want to take any chances of me dosing my son with his poison (peanut) without knowing how badly he was sick. Fortunately, it's just a cold and we should be fine with some extra precaution.

This is not the first time I have had to contact the doctor outside our regularly scheduled appointments. Sunday morning (I felt horrible interrupting his Sunday) I texted to let him know my son had experienced an upset stomach and sore throat for two morning doses. Within 5 minutes there were followup questions and a slight adjustment in timing, and we were back in the game. This is precisely why we chose this doctor.  He's available to his patients, he's reliable and he's knowledgeable.

I have been vague with names on this blog, mostly to protect my children, even though most of you reading this know us personally, but also about our doctor's identity. I wasn't so sure he wanted to be associated publicly with me, since I tend to use some colorful language.  I must say, I've done a pretty damn good job lately, though, of keeping it clean. Our allergist in Utah is Dr. Douglas Jones with Rocky Mountain Allergy and Asthma. Even though moving 650 miles from my husband, parents and friends isn't the easiest thing in the world, I would have chosen to move to be under the care of this doctor even if someone in Arizona magically began doing OIT because I have faith in this guy. He is offering this program so that my son and I, and all the allergy families, can have a life - not be held hostage by a food allergy. He is not in it for the accolades or praise, though I hope he takes a great deal of pride in what he does for all of us.

We have more prescriptions on hand right now than we have filled in all of my son's six years combined, but I have trust in Dr. Jones who has gotten so many patients through this process. Honestly, I would rather medicate a little than stress daily about an accidental peanut exposure.  It's my son's life at stake and my job is to keep him safe. Every day we dose him without reaction, he is that much safer than the day before.

Our first day of actual treatment was last Thursday. On that first day, they pushed my son's little body by dosing every 15 minutes. By the end of the day, he made it to his goal! So that is the dose he is on twice a day until his next appointment, a week later. (This will actually get pushed back a few days until his cold is gone). He is a brave boy, who took it like a champ! Our biggest obstacle now is that they mix the dose in Kool-Aid which is HFCS and food dye, two things he never consumes, and therefore, he is a bit crazed.  Also, getting used to our new normal has taken time - dose 9 to 15 hours apart, low activity 30 minutes prior and two hours after, no sleeping for one hour after dosing.  It's easy when we are home, but when we go out with friends for dinner (thank goodness for other families here in Utah in the same boat! We have dosing buddies!) I have to really plan out carefully.  I'm sure in a few weeks it will all be natural and I won't have to remind him to calm down after his dose so many times.

Despite Utah seeming to have it in for us (why do I get the feeling it will be a particularly snowy winter now?), we have enjoyed our time here and are looking forward to Fall quite a bit.  We can't wait to explore the area more once we are feeling better.  The mountains all around us are glorious and the rain our first week was welcome after how hot and dry we were in Arizona. The Target stores and Starbucks are hit or miss, but really...you can't have everything.

OUT for OIT

Well, we did it.  We packed up (I use "we" loosely) 2500 square feet; sold a lot of furniture, filled two 10x10 storage units to the brim and stuffed this little trailer with mostly clothes and shoes to go to Utah with us.  We drove and drove and stopped and stopped and drove some more. FINALLY....

Nothing will ever look as beautiful as that Utah welcome sign until we see the Arizona welcome sign at the end of this journey, hopefully stuffing our faces full of Peanut M&M's (ok, I'm desperately searching for those Unreal brand candy coated peanuts, you got me).

Today was the start of the process: our first appointment with our OIT doctor.  I feel like I should have asked a million questions, but I did enough homework before we packed up our lives, I mostly just wanted to meet this man in person who promised to help my son. He said he would fix my son and take care of him. No one has been able to say anything besides, "Continue to avoid peanuts" since he was two years old and here is a person sitting in front of me telling me in 6 months time, we will have earned a lifetime of freedom!  

So, Thursday morning we will enter the allergist's office and feed my son peanut protein in liquid form every 15 minutes throughout the entire day. By the end of Day 1, we hope he will have consumed 5mg of peanut protein...or 2% of a peanut.  I will give him this dose at home twice a day for 6 days and on the 7th day, we return to the office to up dose. This will be our cycle for the next six months, barring any reactions or illness. At the end, he will eat 24 peanuts at once in order to "graduate." 

We now have a bag full of prescriptions on our counter that our son has never had before as backup in case of reaction. After all, let's not forget, we are feeding him his poison! I pray that this lack of sleep and peace for six months gives us a lifetime of freedom from food allergies. People have suggested this is me making a huge sacrifice for my child, but I can honestly tell you that he has sacrificed more (socially and physically) and selfishly, this has a lot to do with my peace, as well.  A lot of my day is consumed with what to feed him, where to feed him, and how to keep him safe when he isn't directly in front of me. My mental and physical health has taken a hit, too. I can't imagine what he must go through.

We are really in this now.

I mean, REALLY.

I am excited. I am sick to my stomach. Mostly, I am thankful. I'm thankful that back in April a fellow food allergy mom told me about her amazing doctor in Utah doing something I didn't even know existed outside of trials. I'm thankful that when I contacted the doctor's office, they bent over backward helping me check into insurance and even had the doctor call me direct. I'm thankful for an OIT Facebook group and a special mom who commented on one of my posts. Her why-put-off-til-tomorrow-what-you-can-do-today-attitude set the wheels in motion for this move.  I'm thankful for this group of OIT moms here in Utah who have welcomed me and offered encouragement and inspiration when I was lacking.  I'm thankful for all my friends and family who supported me and never doubted I was doing the right thing, even though it meant leaving them for awhile.  

I'm so thankful I have the opportunity that could give my son the ability to eat samples at Costco, grab food off a shelf in a grocery store without calling a 1-800 number, fly on a plane, go to a baseball game and just be a kid, all because a doctor in Utah decided he could do better than just tell people they needed to avoid their allergens. He went out there and sought the knowledge to make life better for food allergy kids and their parents. He gave up his weekends and nights to answer frantic phone calls from patients. I'm thankful his wife supports him, because I'm certain it's not easy on her to have her husband so important and available to his patients.  I'm thankful he exists.

How can I possibly have time to be inconvenienced by living in a tiny apartment without my husband when I have so very much to be thankful for?

OUT for OIT

Well, we did it.  We packed up (I use "we" loosely) 2500 square feet; sold a lot of furniture, filled two 10x10 storage units to the brim and stuffed this little trailer with mostly clothes and shoes to go to Utah with us.  We drove and drove and stopped and stopped and drove some more. FINALLY....

Nothing will ever look as beautiful as that Utah welcome sign until we see the Arizona welcome sign at the end of this journey, hopefully stuffing our faces full of Peanut M&M's (ok, I'm desperately searching for those Unreal brand candy coated peanuts, you got me).

Today was the start of the process: our first appointment with our OIT doctor.  I feel like I should have asked a million questions, but I did enough homework before we packed up our lives, I mostly just wanted to meet this man in person who promised to help my son. He said he would fix my son and take care of him. No one has been able to say anything besides, "Continue to avoid peanuts" since he was two years old and here is a person sitting in front of me telling me in 6 months time, we will have earned a lifetime of freedom!  

So, Thursday morning we will enter the allergist's office and feed my son peanut protein in liquid form every 15 minutes throughout the entire day. By the end of Day 1, we hope he will have consumed 5mg of peanut protein...or 2% of a peanut.  I will give him this dose at home twice a day for 6 days and on the 7th day, we return to the office to up dose. This will be our cycle for the next six months, barring any reactions or illness. At the end, he will eat 24 peanuts at once in order to "graduate." 

We now have a bag full of prescriptions on our counter that our son has never had before as backup in case of reaction. After all, let's not forget, we are feeding him his poison! I pray that this lack of sleep and peace for six months gives us a lifetime of freedom from food allergies. People have suggested this is me making a huge sacrifice for my child, but I can honestly tell you that he has sacrificed more (socially and physically) and selfishly, this has a lot to do with my peace, as well.  A lot of my day is consumed with what to feed him, where to feed him, and how to keep him safe when he isn't directly in front of me. My mental and physical health has taken a hit, too. I can't imagine what he must go through.

We are really in this now.

I mean, REALLY.

I am excited. I am sick to my stomach. Mostly, I am thankful. I'm thankful that back in April a fellow food allergy mom told me about her amazing doctor in Utah doing something I didn't even know existed outside of trials. I'm thankful that when I contacted the doctor's office, they bent over backward helping me check into insurance and even had the doctor call me direct. I'm thankful for an OIT Facebook group and a special mom who commented on one of my posts. Her why-put-off-til-tomorrow-what-you-can-do-today-attitude set the wheels in motion for this move.  I'm thankful for this group of OIT moms here in Utah who have welcomed me and offered encouragement and inspiration when I was lacking.  I'm thankful for all my friends and family who supported me and never doubted I was doing the right thing, even though it meant leaving them for awhile.  

I'm so thankful I have the opportunity that could give my son the ability to eat samples at Costco, grab food off a shelf in a grocery store without calling a 1-800 number, fly on a plane, go to a baseball game and just be a kid, all because a doctor in Utah decided he could do better than just tell people they needed to avoid their allergens. He went out there and sought the knowledge to make life better for food allergy kids and their parents. He gave up his weekends and nights to answer frantic phone calls from patients. I'm thankful his wife supports him, because I'm certain it's not easy on her to have her husband so important and available to his patients.  I'm thankful he exists.

How can I possibly have time to be inconvenienced by living in a tiny apartment without my husband when I have so very much to be thankful for?

Not My Timing

     I have put this post off, thinking way too hard about how others would perceive my story.  In the end, it's my story and my personal view and if you see it differently, that's ok. I respect you and I hope you respect me.

     By the evening of July 16th, I was messaging my new allergy mom friend in Utah asking when she was leaving to go back home, because I was certain we were not going sell the house and move up there before she flew back to Hawaii with her kids.  That night, I had a dream that my son and I were at his first consult with the OIT doctor and I was being reassured that he was, indeed, a candidate and this was all going to be fine.  I woke up squished between two kids, which oftentimes happens, and I felt at peace. If you have ever had the unfortunate experience of speaking to me before 9 am and/or my morning coffee, you know this is a rare and wonderful thing.  I looked at each of my kids feeling thankful and not irritated that they were pressed against me and my husband had probably been relegated off to the other side of the house to find a spare bed.  Softly speaking out loud, I repeated the words I had been hearing the last two Sunday sermons that I didn't want to say before this moment, "God, I give up my timing in favor of yours.  You know best."
     Two hours later I got a call from a Realtor. An hour later her client was in our home. Two hours after that, we had an offer to buy our house.  By the time we went to bed Friday night, we were under contract with a closing date and a solid plan.
     I feel it's important for you all to know that for the last 5 years, our attendance at church has been scant. In fact, for a good portion of that, I couldn't really even call myself a believer. I never went so far as to say atheist, as I always believed in a higher power, but my view of religion was skeptical at best. Things happen and life changes and you are called to one side or the other, as no one can stay in the middle forever.
     In February we visited a church that we are happy to call our home church now. I still have questions, but there is no doubt I believe in God and His purpose for us has been revealed to me over and over since making conscious efforts to give up my own agenda in favor of His will. For example, the following Monday, my husband and I had a long discussion about dedicating himself to one of our businesses and releasing some control of the other to someone else. He chose his focus and within hours he had THREE phone calls with opportunities for the business he decided to focus on.
     It's no secret that my husband and I live in the what if's and are always playing it safe. The problem is, for the last year we have known that we are not in the right place, but we didn't know where to go, so we stayed. This was as much of a mental state of mind as it was physical location. In fact, we were making plans for renovations using a home equity loan that was done - we were just about to sign - when at the 11th hour everything fell apart and I knew (and had to convince my husband) that this was the sign to make a break we needed.
     It is so easy to be comfortable and stagnant. Despite the future being scary and unknown, I feel confident I am doing exactly what I should be doing right now.  I am clear on our mission (freedom from this peanut allergy) and have the right guide for this journey (our doctor in Utah).
     I feel incredibly blessed to be twelve short days away from moving day. Although it's stressful, I'm ready to start this incredible journey with my family that will lift so many restrictions off my six year old's life. Thank you all for reading my blog and messaging and texting me...I appreciate the support!

Not My Timing

     I have put this post off, thinking way too hard about how others would perceive my story.  In the end, it's my story and my personal view and if you see it differently, that's ok. I respect you and I hope you respect me.

     By the evening of July 16th, I was messaging my new allergy mom friend in Utah asking when she was leaving to go back home, because I was certain we were not going sell the house and move up there before she flew back to Hawaii with her kids.  That night, I had a dream that my son and I were at his first consult with the OIT doctor and I was being reassured that he was, indeed, a candidate and this was all going to be fine.  I woke up squished between two kids, which oftentimes happens, and I felt at peace. If you have ever had the unfortunate experience of speaking to me before 9 am and/or my morning coffee, you know this is a rare and wonderful thing.  I looked at each of my kids feeling thankful and not irritated that they were pressed against me and my husband had probably been relegated off to the other side of the house to find a spare bed.  Softly speaking out loud, I repeated the words I had been hearing the last two Sunday sermons that I didn't want to say before this moment, "God, I give up my timing in favor of yours.  You know best."
     Two hours later I got a call from a Realtor. An hour later her client was in our home. Two hours after that, we had an offer to buy our house.  By the time we went to bed Friday night, we were under contract with a closing date and a solid plan.
     I feel it's important for you all to know that for the last 5 years, our attendance at church has been scant. In fact, for a good portion of that, I couldn't really even call myself a believer. I never went so far as to say atheist, as I always believed in a higher power, but my view of religion was skeptical at best. Things happen and life changes and you are called to one side or the other, as no one can stay in the middle forever.
     In February we visited a church that we are happy to call our home church now. I still have questions, but there is no doubt I believe in God and His purpose for us has been revealed to me over and over since making conscious efforts to give up my own agenda in favor of His will. For example, the following Monday, my husband and I had a long discussion about dedicating himself to one of our businesses and releasing some control of the other to someone else. He chose his focus and within hours he had THREE phone calls with opportunities for the business he decided to focus on.
     It's no secret that my husband and I live in the what if's and are always playing it safe. The problem is, for the last year we have known that we are not in the right place, but we didn't know where to go, so we stayed. This was as much of a mental state of mind as it was physical location. In fact, we were making plans for renovations using a home equity loan that was done - we were just about to sign - when at the 11th hour everything fell apart and I knew (and had to convince my husband) that this was the sign to make a break we needed.
     It is so easy to be comfortable and stagnant. Despite the future being scary and unknown, I feel confident I am doing exactly what I should be doing right now.  I am clear on our mission (freedom from this peanut allergy) and have the right guide for this journey (our doctor in Utah).
     I feel incredibly blessed to be twelve short days away from moving day. Although it's stressful, I'm ready to start this incredible journey with my family that will lift so many restrictions off my six year old's life. Thank you all for reading my blog and messaging and texting me...I appreciate the support!

"My Allergies Aren't That Severe...."

     I've had so many starts to my next post in my head and haven't put them on the screen yet, but this morning, I knew I had to get to work. You see, this morning I read about death number four just this month due to food allergies. These stories are far too common and they break my heart.  They also reaffirm that we are doing the absolute right thing by taking this chance on going to Utah for OIT.

     Just in sharing our personal story I have heard, on multiple occasions, "I applaud what you are doing. Thankfully my child's food allergies aren't that severe."  That statement is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  If your child has reacted to a food with hives, swelling...MAKE SURE YOU HAVE EPINEPHRINE.  It IS that serious. It IS life-threatening.  The first reaction is usually a warning and subsequent reactions will only get more severe.  The kids who "only get hives" and don't have epinephrine on them are the ones that we hear about in the news who have died.  I am not exaggerating, I am not trying to scare you, I am simply stating that not taking food allergies seriously could have deadly consequences.
     I never wanted to be the crazy allergy parent and I was concerned about that image when we had to begin restricting more and more foods due to reactions. Guess what? I just don't care what you think of me now. My kid will not die because of my inattention. I will do anything in my power to give him the tools he needs to function safely.  I'm not brave for taking him away from his life for 6 months for desensitization.  I'm not selfless. I'm not any of the heroic things people are saying. I'm just a mom.  

     Any mom with knowledge and opportunity would do the same thing for her child. This blog was created so that people who didn't even know there were new treatments for people with food allergies existed, could now go seek out more information. I'm not an expert on OIT, but I will share about it because it is what we chose. There are other methods, some more successful than others, but they exist. We need to make this mainstream because 1 out of 13 kids has a food allergy and it will only get worse.  This will become everyone's problem at one point or another. If it isn't your child, it will be a friend of theirs.
     I promise my next post will be light and fluffy with the sprinkling of humor you are used to from me. I just get fired up when people start dying from food. It's a gut punch. Stay safe and keep your kids safe, whether it's by putting that phone down while driving, making sure your kids are properly restrained in the appropriate car seat or being sure to read those labels and carry your emergency supplies before feeding your kids with allergies.  

"My Allergies Aren't That Severe...."

     I've had so many starts to my next post in my head and haven't put them on the screen yet, but this morning, I knew I had to get to work. You see, this morning I read about death number four just this month due to food allergies. These stories are far too common and they break my heart.  They also reaffirm that we are doing the absolute right thing by taking this chance on going to Utah for OIT.

     Just in sharing our personal story I have heard, on multiple occasions, "I applaud what you are doing. Thankfully my child's food allergies aren't that severe."  That statement is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  If your child has reacted to a food with hives, swelling...MAKE SURE YOU HAVE EPINEPHRINE.  It IS that serious. It IS life-threatening.  The first reaction is usually a warning and subsequent reactions will only get more severe.  The kids who "only get hives" and don't have epinephrine on them are the ones that we hear about in the news who have died.  I am not exaggerating, I am not trying to scare you, I am simply stating that not taking food allergies seriously could have deadly consequences.
     I never wanted to be the crazy allergy parent and I was concerned about that image when we had to begin restricting more and more foods due to reactions. Guess what? I just don't care what you think of me now. My kid will not die because of my inattention. I will do anything in my power to give him the tools he needs to function safely.  I'm not brave for taking him away from his life for 6 months for desensitization.  I'm not selfless. I'm not any of the heroic things people are saying. I'm just a mom.  

     Any mom with knowledge and opportunity would do the same thing for her child. This blog was created so that people who didn't even know there were new treatments for people with food allergies existed, could now go seek out more information. I'm not an expert on OIT, but I will share about it because it is what we chose. There are other methods, some more successful than others, but they exist. We need to make this mainstream because 1 out of 13 kids has a food allergy and it will only get worse.  This will become everyone's problem at one point or another. If it isn't your child, it will be a friend of theirs.
     I promise my next post will be light and fluffy with the sprinkling of humor you are used to from me. I just get fired up when people start dying from food. It's a gut punch. Stay safe and keep your kids safe, whether it's by putting that phone down while driving, making sure your kids are properly restrained in the appropriate car seat or being sure to read those labels and carry your emergency supplies before feeding your kids with allergies.